I Wonder…

I wonder, I wonder if somebody would have asked me, “Did I think I would ever do time in Jail on July 10, 1995?” I would have emphatically told them “Hell No!” I would’ve said “Hell No” while knowing that I was carrying a deadly weapon in my waistband at that very moment. Why, or how could I think that? I’ll tell you the logic of a 21 year old child. The logic of an underdeveloped brain. A brain that was damaged from years of substance abuse, Marijuana, Alcohol, Angel Dust, Codeine, Nicotine.. Am I making an excuse for taking a Life? No, I’m telling a story of how easy it is to think one way and act another especially when your thought process is flawed, flawed because of your lack of true rationale. The rationale of a child in the form of a man. When I reached the ripe old age of 27, I was sitting in my cell on my birthday, awaiting the arrival of my mother, not for a celebration of the day I was born, but more of an acknowledgement of my existence. Her only child. All at once it hit me harder than ever before, the gravity of my situation, the seriousness of the last five years.

It’s was like being awoke from a dream, and all I could say to myself was what the f#$! how, why, was I trippin is this shit real? It was very real and it was no dream or nightmare, this was my reality and would be my reality for many years to come. If somebody would have asked me on that very day, April 9th, 2001, 6 years after my 21st and last birthday free, “did I think I would ever do time in jail?” I would’ve still said “Hell No” even though I was sitting in a cell and not a bedroom… Why? Perspective! My perspective on life at 21 was totally different by the time I turned 27.

Now I sit here 21 years later, with the light at the end of the tunnel getting dimmer, I wonder what if. What if Eric and I did look the other way, he would still be here and I would still be out there. What about his children, I believe there were 3 of them I knew one Jawan I played with him, I held him… He should be 22 now. I wonder about his Mom, the pain I saw in her eyes, the loss they expressed to me… What about Craig his little brother, did he ever graduate from Temple? He should be 42 like me now, I wonder… I wonder where my sons’ life would be right now if July 11th 1995 never happened, would he still be struggling to find himself at 23 if I was there to mold him and guide him through life, in away my father failed to do…

I wonder if my little brother Reggie would still be here instead of being buried with his uncle Rock, I wonder about the pain I still see in my Moms eyes every time she visits me… I wonder about forever being judge by the events that took place that sad day, knowing it doesn’t represent who I am today. All my life I heard the saying “everything happens for a reason.” This maybe true, but I often wonder will the true reason for what took place on July 11th, 1995 ever be revealed…

I write this in the memory of Eric Wiggins, my Little Brother Reggie McNeil, and his Little Brother Stephon McNeil, my Nana Mrs. Patricia Anne Palmer and to the countless men, women and children who are no longer with us. To all the families affected by my actions and the actions of others, I humbly ask for not only forgiveness, but understanding as well.

To My Mother Ms. Chandra Palmer thanks for always being you and for always loving me as I will always love you…

May Peace and Blessings be upon You,

Donnell Saadiq Palmer 2016. I wonder…

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